So, I’m going to let you in deep. I mean deep. Deep into a conversation I have with myself, oh, I’d say once every few weeks (maybe more than that – I lost count) where I doubt and judge myself and then, carry on in spite of it. I don’t know why I’m sharing this. Maybe it’s just to be honest with the fact that it isn’t easy to follow any dream. To be honest with the fact that things don’t happen in an instant, not without tears, sweat, and losses to prepare you for the gains.
It’s easy to show the sweat part because it makes you look strong, like an overcomer. The tears? That’s not so easy to show. That’s the part you lock away until you’re on Oprah and you’ve made it because it’s easy to tell that side of the story when you’re over it. The tears are your vulnerability, they are the self-starter/creator’s dirty little secret. They are casually glossed over and minimized in discussion. Well, I’m here in the trenches of self-starterdom and starving artistry and I’m going to share my secret tears and fears with you. This is my internal conversation:
“This is some bullshit. I need more time, more money (of course). *sigh* I need more everything. What don’t I need? I need to be positive…but I don’t have it in me today. Why am I doing this to myself? Why can’t I just be satisfied with my day job. I could just move up. I’d have more money. Oh, wait. I hate my job. *shaking my head* This is some bullshit. I was a goddamned professor. Now look at me. Struggling. Starting over. I’ve let my family down. Shit. I’ve let myself down. This right here is some bullshit. I should be… I don’t even know where I should be. Who is determining where I should be anyway? *sigh again* Bullshit, that’s what this is. *sigh yet again* Alright. Get it together. It’s only been 2 months. I can do this… whether I know it or not. Get your mind right, D. Let’s just do what needs to be done today and get it over with. Maybe we’ll feel more in the spirit once it’s done… or tomorrow. Whatever. Let’s just put in work. *deep breath* This is still some bullshit.”
Yep. For better or worse, that’s what’s going on in my head on a bad day. But I go forward in the darkness. I may be cussing the whole way, but I go. I go anyway. I go in spite of myself. Eventually, I get to some light. I really don’t want to publish this story in all honesty. It’s like when the first time someone that you’re dating sees you without makeup or worse, it’s like the first time you fart in front of that person; both instances are totally human (and necessary evils in a relationship) and yet we are so embarrassed by our humanity for some reason. Maybe that’s the whole reason I’m sharing this, so that as I journey towards greatness (by my standards not anyone else’s) I can deal with my own humanity. Hopefully, I will be able to see for myself the beauty in it.
So you tell me – Am I crazy or nah? Am I the only one who feels this way from time to time? Let me know in the comments.
– Queen D.
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Photo Credit: Tonymadrid Photography (https://flic.kr/p/5wGpJA)